Here we are, sitting at the kitchen table at The Orphanage. The scent of homemade brownies wafts through the air and JB has finally bathed for the first time in days. What a wholesome blog-writing environment.
But below the surface, friends, another story.
Mama Hayls took THE ENTIRE pan of delicious brownies (a double batch, might we add) over to SOME BOYS house - leaving nary a brownie to fuel us through this sitting, but the lingering scent to taunt us and remind us how there are no brownies. JB, after her shower, came out to announce that blog writing would have to be delayed for 20-25 minutes because she needed to go bate. Well, 20 minutes turned into an hour. But I must say, she does have a remarkably jolly disposition right now.
Notice the time lapse:
Well, now that jahbah is finished batin' we can commence.
Would you like to know what's new at The Orphanage? Here, in (semi) point form, some updates from the past week:
- We had to say good-bye to another orphan this week.
Dearest Bryan,
We wish you all the best out there in the big world. We hope you had an enjoyable time here; please come back and visit often, unlike some of our ungrateful children; namely, Steven. Bryan, just be proud that you never made it to 'Dartboard Bryan' status, unlike some of our other children; namely, Steven.
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN??
Oh, and thanks for the chocolate $$ you left on our pillows, Bryan. For a fleeting moment we felt like we lived in a ritzy hotel, not an apartment across the street from a 24 hour convenience store with bad heating and a mouse problem. A-BYEBYE.
- JHESSY GOT A JOB! AGAIN! Actually, she got several, which means she will probably get fired again due to scheduling conflicts between her 17 jobs. I literally never know where she is.
Sometimes though, she is working at some very high class establishments that cater to some (VERY) (HIGH) cl(ASS) clientele. Would you like an example of the type of fly ass bitches she has the pleasure of spending time with? Oh, well here you go!
I know, we could just stop right there. But don't you want to know more??
Hmm, let's see...
- JahJah came home drunk n lonely one night and, much to her dismay the following morning, found that she had created an online dating profile. Look forward to more on dat in upcoming posts - you will be str8 lolzing, whether she likes it or not.
- As a result of several days in a row of waking up from apocalyptic dreams, Jesse decided to return to her home in The North for a night. This had the pleasant result of replenishing the cheese stock in the cheese drawer. Also, hummus! Thanks parents!
- At least TWO members of The Orphanage did laundry this week. The Orphanage: now 50% less going commando!
- Anything even remotely funny that happens now gets followed by this: "put that on the blog!" Which usually results in yet another explanation of the concept of context. But, just because why not, I shall give you an example:
While writing this, we were listening to an NWA song. When Eazy E proudly sang out "slappin the hoes" JB slapped me, burst out laughing and said "put that on the blog!"
Or:
There was the time right after her shower tonight where I walked into the bathroom to find her naked, blow-drying her body. She paused, briefly, then carried right on. As I closed the door, I heard the blow-drier muffled words: 'put that on the blog!'
THIS JUST IN! MIRACLE OF MIRACLES! We really could not have planned this... but guess who, of all people, JUST CALLED! It was Little Orphan Stevey! This is a lot like how the conversation went:
"Hello?"
"Hi Jhesshy - it's Shtevey!"
"What the?? That is just weird... you will not believe... have you seen our blog??"
"What the fuck? A blog? Um, no. I don't read blogs. You guys have a blog?"
"Mmhmm, and you may or may not be featured in the one we are writing RIGHT NOW."
"Oh god. Is it about my hairy ass?"
"Um.. no. But we could make an honourable mention of it, if you'd like..."
"Well, it IS a miracle of nature."
"That it is, that it is."
etc.
And now... just because we can...
Computer, is there any way to generate a photo of Steve's ass?
Not computing. Please Repeat.
STEEEVE'S AAASS.
THIS IS NOT SUITABLE FOR BLOG (NSFB). Are you sure?
Mmhmm.
OK.
OH SHII@#%$#%$%@^#!!
......I'm okay.
And with that, we shall leave you. Goodnight, gentle readers.
PS. Leave us a comment! Follow us! We are vain and need attention - You BET we think that song is about us! Umm first hint: we're actors.
PPS. "You gotta pay the troll-toll to get into this boys-soul." ARE YOU HAPPY NOW JB?
JB: "Write, 'boys-HOLE'."
JJ: "...But that's not the lyrics."
JB: "But that's how he says it."
JJ: "Yes I know, that's why it's not funny when you write it..."
JB: "Oh. Right."
K, NIGHT.
that is one hairy ass. i will miss mr sparks dearly.
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