Bloggin' ain't Easy

Bloggin' ain't easy folks.

We know that we have been neglecting the blog lately... don't worry it won't happend again. Let's be honest though, "WHO let the jessica's get a blog"...it was a bit expected. To make it up to all of our DEVOTED readers we have decided to give you a big hug. 

UPDATES: The Orphanage does not have Hot Water until Wednesday. 

This Week at The Orphanage

Let's set the scene...
Here we are, sitting at the kitchen table at The Orphanage. The scent of homemade brownies wafts through the air and JB has finally bathed for the first time in days. What a wholesome blog-writing environment.
But below the surface, friends, another story.
Mama Hayls took THE ENTIRE pan of delicious brownies (a double batch, might we add) over to SOME BOYS house - leaving nary a brownie to fuel us through this sitting, but the lingering scent to taunt us and remind us how there are no brownies. JB, after her shower, came out to announce that blog writing would have to be delayed for 20-25 minutes because she needed to go bate. Well, 20 minutes turned into an hour. But I must say, she does have a remarkably jolly disposition right now.
Notice the time lapse:

Well, now that jahbah is finished batin' we can commence.

Would you like to know what's new at The Orphanage? Here, in (semi) point form, some updates from the past week:

- We had to say good-bye to another orphan this week.
Dearest Bryan,
      We wish you all the best out there in the big world. We hope you had an enjoyable time here; please come back and visit often, unlike some of our ungrateful children; namely, Steven. Bryan, just be proud that you never made it to 'Dartboard Bryan' status, unlike some of our other children; namely, Steven.

                                                    HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN??

                                           Tell him: he owes us beer. AND WE MISS HIM.

Oh, and thanks for the chocolate $$ you left on our pillows, Bryan. For a fleeting moment we felt like we lived in a ritzy hotel, not an apartment across the street from a 24 hour convenience store with bad heating and a mouse problem. A-BYEBYE.

- JHESSY GOT A JOB! AGAIN! Actually, she got several, which means she will probably get fired again due to scheduling conflicts between her 17 jobs. I literally never know where she is.
Sometimes though, she is working at some very high class establishments that cater to some (VERY) (HIGH) cl(ASS) clientele. Would you like an example of the type of fly ass bitches she has the pleasure of spending time with? Oh, well here you go!

I know, we could just stop right there. But don't you want to know more??
Hmm, let's see...

- JahJah came home drunk n lonely one night and, much to her dismay the following morning, found that she had created an online dating profile. Look forward to more on dat in upcoming posts - you will be str8 lolzing, whether she likes it or not.

-  As a result of several days in a row of waking up from apocalyptic dreams, Jesse decided to return to her  home in The North for a night. This had the pleasant result of replenishing the cheese stock in the cheese drawer. Also, hummus! Thanks parents!

- At least TWO members of The Orphanage did laundry this week. The Orphanage: now 50% less going commando!

- Anything even remotely funny that happens now gets followed by this: "put that on the blog!" Which usually results in yet another explanation of the concept of context. But, just because why not, I shall give you an example:
While writing this, we were listening to an NWA song. When Eazy E proudly sang out "slappin the hoes" JB slapped me, burst out laughing and said "put that on the blog!"
Or:
There was the time right after her shower tonight where I walked into the bathroom to find her naked, blow-drying her body. She paused, briefly, then carried right on. As I closed the door,  I heard the blow-drier muffled words: 'put that on the blog!'



THIS JUST IN! MIRACLE OF MIRACLES! We really could not have planned this... but guess who, of all people, JUST CALLED! It was Little Orphan Stevey! This is a lot like how the conversation went:

"Hello?"
"Hi Jhesshy - it's Shtevey!"
"What the?? That is just weird... you will not believe... have you seen our blog??"
"What the fuck? A blog? Um, no. I don't read blogs. You guys have a blog?"
"Mmhmm, and you may or may not be featured in the one we are writing RIGHT NOW."
"Oh god. Is it about my hairy ass?"
"Um.. no. But we could make an honourable mention of it, if you'd like..."
"Well, it IS a miracle of nature."
"That it is, that it is."
etc.
And now... just because we can...

Computer, is there any way to generate a photo of Steve's ass?
Not computing. Please Repeat.
STEEEVE'S AAASS.
THIS IS NOT SUITABLE FOR BLOG (NSFB). Are you sure?
Mmhmm.
OK.

OH SHII@#%$#%$%@^#!!
......I'm okay.

And with that, we shall leave you. Goodnight, gentle readers.

PS. Leave us a comment! Follow us! We are vain and need attention - You BET we think that song is about us! Umm first hint: we're actors.

PPS. "You gotta pay the troll-toll to get into this boys-soul." ARE YOU HAPPY NOW JB?

JB: "Write, 'boys-HOLE'."
JJ: "...But that's not the lyrics."
JB: "But that's how he says it."
JJ: "Yes I know, that's why it's not funny when you write it..."
JB: "Oh. Right."

K, NIGHT.

Breakfast in Bed

So are you guys as into role-play as we are? It's fun AND sexy!

Here at The Orphanage we take turns taking on various roles. These include, but are not limited to, things like Parent/ Child, Caregiver/ Patient, Mudder/ Fadder, Sugar Mama/ Sexy Housewife - you know, the usuals.
For example, when Ryan comes home from school he is our son:

"Who is at the door? Oh! Our son is home! How was your day, son?" And so on.

When it is thursday night, Ryan is Dad:

"Is it Thursday?"
"It is."
"It is garbage day."
"It is."
"...Did Dad already take it out?"
"He did."
"God, I love Dad."
"Me, too. Meeee, too." And so on.

Recently I guess Jess felt we needed to spice things up, try something new. Or perhaps she just felt we needed to flex our acting muscles in any way possibly. Either way, I wasn't about to kick it out of bed. CLEVER!
This is what happened.

See, I thought my breakfast request would be immediately lol'd at.* But to my great surprise and delight, JB instead took this opportunity to play maid to my Juliet. BEST MORNING EVERRR. I chose a wonderful Baroque Compilation from youtube that we replayed as we enjoyed our candlelit romance.
CHECK IT:

NOTHING MAKES BREAKFAST WITH YOUR MAID SEXIER THAN ROSE PETALS.
FROM A ROSE YOUR MOM GAVE YOU. FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.  YEAAA.

LOVE, The Jessicas.

*A note on loling: Guys, it's really fun to lol. We do a lot of loling - as you will see. Do not be afraid of the lol. If there is one thing I have learned from life as The Jessicas, it's that 'lol' is an incredibly dynamic new part of our vernacular. Noun, verb, sound effect, substitute - three simple letters that can be expanded and changed to easily accommodate whatever level of excitement you may be trying to express. Lololol. Or, if actually laughing out loud seems like too much effort in an actual real life conversation, try just saying 'lol'. Pronounced: lawl. Or, whenever possibly, substitute the word 'loling' where ever you might use the word 'laughing'. It's so much easier to spell and it just rolls off the tongue! LOL.

WHO let The Jessicas get a blog?!

Oh, hey, internets. 
Mom? Ugh. How did you find this, Mom? You just had to get facebook, didn't you? Well, don't say we didn't warn you.


For anyone else, perhaps introductions are in order? We may be from the sexting-through-family-dinner generation, but we still have manners. We are The Jessicas. We are both actors. (Read: frequently unemployed.) We live together and we struggle together. Sometimes with each other. 
We have both recently relocated to Toronto from the beloved city of Halifax. And now here we are, little fish in the Big Pond.


You know how it is. Everyday we hustlin'. But not everyday, because sometimes we sleep in. Because hustlin' is really hard when you're hungover. Or broken hearted? That's why we're here. 'Cause life can be rough and life can be hilarious. In our case, it is usually both at once - or at least, we choose to see it that way. Well, not so much the rough part. We don't choose that. If we had a choice, we'd choose this scenario: we're walking down the street, maybe on our way to get a coffee and read really great books (because we're really smart and interesting. Obviously.) and some super important connections-y type stops us - "Wow. You girls both look really cool and talented. And SO PRETTY. You're both named Jessica? How delightful! Well, I would very much like to cast you in an award winning play - full of amazing, thought provoking dialogue and powerful female characters! Whaddaya say?! Yes, of course this is a paying job, silly!" But that has not yet happened. 


So, here we are, because sometimes sharing the ups and downs with each other is just not enough. We invite you to laugh at our expense. Plus, we're full of fucking awesome tips. Or, if nothing else, perhaps you can learn from our mistakes? 


This place is going to be full of great things. You'd like an example? Here's an anecdote for you.
We decide today is the day we will finally write our VERY FIRST BLOG POST. We get home to the usual saturday afternoon house-full at The Orphanage (oh, that's where we live. All in good time, my friends, all in good time.) We sit ourselves down and are offered beers from one of the current Orphans. Jess protests: "But I don't have a job!" Encouragement: "All the more reason to take this free beer!" She does. Beers in hand, we are now ready to begin. She suddenly gets up and runs from the room. Moments later she returns, walking with markedly less pep in her step. "...I just perioded in my pants." 


THAT'S RIGHT. You can look forward to much more of this. What? Gross? No, it's not! Periods happen, asshole!


Oh, and sometimes when we're lonely, we sleep in the same bed. Welcome to our world.